If your family is anything like mine, this holiday season will be full of love, laughter, cherished memories, right-wing rhetoric, companionship, good food, Obama bashing, funny stories, songs, games, and more religious references and complaints about the “War on Christmas” than a Fox News holiday special. I know there are a lot of people out there like me, lone dissenters in families full of religious conservatives, and I know what a delicate and taxing balancing act it can be. When in one moment Grandma is hugging you and telling you how much she loves you, and in the next she is declaring that killing all the Muslims will solve all of the world’s problems, it can make for a bumpy ride. When your uncle is jovially telling you about the latest happenings in his life, and all you can think about is the tens of thousands of dollars he donated to the Pro-Prop 8 campaign, it can be really hard to separate the person you love from the actions and beliefs you find completely heinous. In those inevitable moments in between the happy times, where ideas clash, it can be an extremely difficult task to find the right balance between keeping the peace and standing up for oneself. Although every family is different and there isn’t one all-encompassing way of coping, here are a few things I’ve learned that have helped me to enjoy the time I spend with my family a lot more.
Arm yourself with Knowledge
In my opinion, this is one of the most important things we can do to assist us in our dealings, not just with family, but in all aspects of our lives. We don’t have to (and can’t possibly) know everything, but if we’re going to make a point, we ought to have some idea of what we’re talking about. We sometimes clam up rather than speak up (I know I’ve been guilty of it) when someone says something that sounds really off-base, but we don’t feel like we have the appropriate language or the breadth of knowledge necessary to articulate an argument against it. And the ironic part is, oftentimes the person speaking has even less of an idea what he or she is talking about than we do. People love to sound smart, and they’ll often regurgitate something they heard or read somewhere to try to appear to be an expert, even though they actually know very little about the matter. The best thing to do in these situations is ask questions. Ask for clarification. Root out the logic of the subject. Make a point to research it later. Take an interest in our world, in issues of culture, society, government, science, economics, religion, etc. Read and learn and absorb as much information as you can. Not only will you have something valid to contribute to conversations and be better equipped for sniffing out misinformation, but you’ll be much more likely to actually enjoy these conversations and be able to view them as an exchange of ideas, rather than feeling inadequate and frustrated and trampled upon.
Keep your Cool
I know it’s easier said than done, especially when we care deeply and passionately about certain issues, but it’s important to take the high road and keep a calm demeanor if we want to be taken seriously. With the right attitude and approach, a mud-slinging session can be turned into a healthy debate and a good learning experience. When we lose our cool, we’ve essentially conceded to the other person, because we’ve sunken to a level of disrespect and bad form. A big part of how we are perceived is not just what we say, but how we say it. If we get defensive, even if we’re making the more logical arguments, it can sometimes appear to the other person that he or she has “gotten to us.”
Pick your Battles
I have one family member who often makes comments for no other reason than to try to get a rise out of me. And when that person succeeds, I’m the only one who ends up looking foolish. It’s not necessary to challenge every single thing we disagree with. In some families, that would mean there would be nothing but constant arguing. It’s sometimes worth it to let a comment slide here and there, when correcting or challenging the person has no foreseeable positive outcome. Additionally, although our words can sometimes have an impact, in reality, the arguments we make are typically not going to change anyone’s mind, much less change the world. Don’t place too much pressure on any one situation.
Consider the Big Picture
One way to consider the big picture is from the inside looking out. It’s best to focus on the person we are talking to and listen to his or her individual arguments, rather than consider that person to be the sole representative of an entire group. Just because your grandparents may have named their new cats McCain and Palin, it doesn’t mean your grandparents are McCain and Palin and represent every idea and policy they stand for. Keep an open mind and don’t assume anyone’s opinions on the issues. Approach each subject and each person as an individual piece of the pie.
The other way to consider the big picture is from the outside looking in, quite literally. There are usually more people present during a discussion than the actual participants, so even if what we are saying doesn’t seem to be getting through to the person we are saying it to, there may be other people listening in who have heard and understood us. So, when you get stuck arguing with a brick wall, don’t lose hope that you’ve lost your chance of making a point. Someone seemingly uninvolved may have walked away with a little bit of insight.
Find an Outlet
We all want to express ourselves and be heard, and that can be one of the most frustrating aspects of being the only member of a family who sees the world very differently than we do. The rest of the family get to express themselves freely and frequently with the comfort and assuredness that they will be supported and agreed with, whereas nearly anything a nonconformist wishes to express involves standing alone against a crowd of opposition. Even when we do get a chance to air our ideas, it’s rarely possible for us to say everything we want to say in a situation, given the nature of discussion. Perhaps we run out of time or the conversation flows in a different direction and we lose our chance. Perhaps what we want to say would offend everyone in the room, so we refrain. Perhaps we have one of those midnight moments when we think of the perfect retort to an earlier comment, but it’s far too late to use it. Rather than let those unsaid things bottle up inside of us, it helps a lot to find some way of letting them out. Whether through written words, music, poetry, art, or even simple discussion with likeminded people, it can relieve stress and improve our sense of well-being when we release our ideas into the world in various ways.
For all you other “black sheep” out there, I hope you can get the most out of the time you spend with your families this year and truly enjoy the holidays together. Let’s let reason be the reason for the season!
