There’s a wicked rumor spreading throughout the right-wing media that Obama’s health care bill will REQUIRE every parent to teach their children that masturbation is a perfectly normal, healthy human activity.1 Yes, they’re going to push their SEXUAL agenda on everyone! I’m NOT KIDDING! They’re calling it “mandatory masturbation.”2
Okay, that’s the rumor. It’s bullshit. Now let’s talk truth for a moment.
The REAL text of the health care bill makes it plainly obvious what’s going on:
House Bill 3200, titled “America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009,” section 2543 (b)(2) states:
ESTABLISHMENT OF CORE PARENTAL EDUCATIONAL ELEMENTS- The Secretary, in consultation with the Inspector General of the Department of Health and Human Services, shall establish core parental educational elements for a compliance program under paragraph (1). The elements will include written policies, procedures, and standards of conduct, a designated compliance officer and a compliance committee to ensure parental to child training and education pertaining to human underage masturbation; a confidential or anonymous mechanism, such as a hotline, to receive compliance questions; disciplinary guidelines for enforcement of standards; internal monitoring and auditing procedures, including monitoring and auditing of parents; procedures for ensuring prompt responses to detected offenses and development of corrective action initiatives, including responses to potential offenses; and procedures to return all identified violations to the programs under this title, title XIX, and title XXI.
Paragraph (1), as referenced above, states:
Parent to child training curriculum will include, at minimum, the following core lessons regarding masturbation:
1. Touching the intimate parts of one’s body except during normal washing and using the bathroom should be avoided, and during washing, should be limited as much as possible.
2. Children should never be left alone, as being alone increases susceptibility to temptation.
3. After bathing, children should not linger, especially in front of the mirror. Children should stay in the shower just long enough to clean themselves or be cleaned by a parent. As soon as the cleaning is finished, the child should dry off and get out of the bathroom as soon as possible to be in the presence of a family member.
4. Prior to sleeping, children should be dressed in full pajamas or clothes that are difficult to remove.
5. The Internet should be avoided entirely, or at least restricted and closely monitored. Oversight of television programs is recommended, as long as the programs are limited to programs displaying gratuitous violence without sexual content.
6. The topic of masturbation should be avoided. If a child brings up the topic, the parent should change the topic or remind the child that all sexual activity outside of marital relations, including masturbation, is unequivocally immoral and unhealthy, and can lead to addiction, infertility, mental illness, and, in some cases, prostate cancer in males.3
Despite the fact that the bill’s provisions are completely opposite of the rumors, Republicans and right-wing pundits keep pushing. When asked about the “mandatory masturbation” portion of the bill, “Joe the plumber” had this to say, “The politicians in Washington are spending trillions of dollars of our money to push masturbation on children. When are Americans going to stand up and say enough is enough?”4
Iowan Republican Senator Grassley has been a staunch opponent of the bill. “In the House bill, there is counseling for masturbation,” Grassley said. “You have every right to fear. You shouldn’t have pro-masturbation parental counseling. That’s something that should be considered only after marriage, if ever. We should not have a government run plan to decide for us whether masturbation is right or wrong. That’s a discussion only between parents and God.” Grassley obviously has not read the bill.5
Sarah Palin, estranged former governor of Alaska,6 notorious for her ironic sexual positions,7 had a lot to say about “mandatory masturbation”:
I join millions of Americans in expressing appreciation for the Senate Finance Committee’s decision to remove the provision in the pending health care bill that requires parents to teach their children that masturbation is normal and healthy…..
As I noted in my statement last week, masturbation inevitably leads to pre-marital sex and mental illness. The mandatory masturbation system proposed by President Obama, advocated by Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the brother of the president’s chief of staff, would force every parent to talk to their children about masturbation, and, worse, would make those parents advocate for masturbation.
On the left side, Keith Olbermann had this to say:
Every poll, every analysis, every vote, every region of this country supports masturbation, and one of the most profitable businesses in America, the porn industry, backs that with all of their money and lobbying pressure. Cross us all at your peril.8
The effects of the negative punditry are varied, but one interesting situation is that Glenn Beck, another anti-masturbation proponent, has recently lost advertisers due to his stance. Vivid Entertainment Group pulled its ads from Fox News Channel’s “The Glenn Beck Program.” Club Jenna, Inc. has also declared that it will not advertise during the program.9
Here’s what Michelle Bachmann10 said regarding the mandatory masturbation clause:
[It's] under the guise of quote, volunteerism, but it’s not volunteers at all,” she said on the Bob Johnson radio show in July. “It’s the government forcing parents to force masturbation on their children. This provision is like creating re-education camps for young people, where young people get trained in the philosophy the government puts forward and then they have to go thinking that masturbation is acceptable and not morally corrupt.
As a parent, I would have a very, very difficult time doing this to my children.
Rep. John Mica (R-FL) told a Florida radio station today that the health care legislation being considered by the House of Representatives will authorize the creation of “masturbation counselors.”
They create a whole new category. There are masturbation counselors. There is authorization for reimbursement for those counselors. You have a whole new cottage industry.
Obviously, the pundits and congressmen need to sit down for a few minutes and actually read the damn bill. Perhaps then we can get off on this topic.11
- Everyone wants to do it, and it feels good, so it must be wrong. [<]
- Mmm, M&Ms [<]
- No shit, this is only loosely based on real mind-numbingly inane religious anti-masturbation proponent websites. [<]
- Why the fuck are people still talking about Joe the Plumber? [<]
- Nobody reads the bills. [<]
- Why the fuck are people still talking about Sarah Palin? [<]
- See THIS; or were you looking for something along the lines of this? [<]
- I’d probably pay to hear Olbermann say that, or something like that. Well, I wouldn’t pay much. No one ever donates, and I’m effin poor. [<]
- The day those companies advertise on Fox is the day this country is truly free. [<]
- How the fuck is she still in office? [<]
- Are you actually looking for something to indicate whether this is satire? Please. It’s obviously real news. Just like Fox News. [<]
